14,434 words.
The only thing Ji-won and Soo-jung really even had in common was the fact that they both hated English. Funny enough, they met during their English class in college. Early in the semester they were made partners to learn some vocabulary. One word, “ship,” sounded remotely like the first half of “sheep-bal,” like “fuck you,” in Korean. During class when the teacher said “ship,” Ji-won would quietly add “pal” to anyone within earshot. Soo-jung had to work hard to not laugh out loud. She had tears in her eyes. Soon, Ji-won was making jokes into Soo-jung’s ear only.
The boys outnumbered the girls 30-5 in their freshman class. Their major was cyber policing, though no one really took the major or the school itself all that seriously. As Ji-won once told Soo-jung, it was the kind of school to make the parents of kids who couldn’t get into a good college feel like their kids were going to college. Other people said the same thing.
Mostly the students just tried to have fun. After their first year most of the men would have to go off to the Army anyway. Most of the women would finish their 2-year degree, get a job, save some money, and get married to men 2 or 3 years older than them a couple years after that. The men would come back from the Army, finish school, get a job, work for three years, and get married to women 2 or 3 years younger than them.
In the beginning of the first semester the girls sat in one corner of the room and the boys fanned out around them. Usually the boys would sit as far away as possible. Not so much for fear of girls, but for fear of being spotted trying to sit close to a girl. A few of the students went to mixed gender high schools, but the majority did not. For the most part, people had very little idea how to approach the opposite sex. This made the pairing of Ji-won and Soo-jung all the more fateful.
During that first semester the boys, day by day, class by class, struck up the nerve to move closer to the girls. By the middle of the first semester the boys had them surrounded. The girls in turn started sitting closer to the teacher. The circle of boys followed them, the brave ones moving a bit closer, the shy ones falling toward the back of the room.
The one constant was Ji-won and Soo-jung, who, once they had met, always sat on the far side toward the back. It was their space and no one tried to inhabit it. Even the English teacher referred to them as “the lovebirds.”
Soo-jung was a little chubby and her upper lip was big and came out and hung a little over her lower lip. Her friends joked that she’d spent so much time trying to kiss someone her lip had finally stuck like that. Her friends sometimes called her “giraffe mouth.” But more notorious were her calves, which had grown large from walking up a large hill to her family’s apartment. So she was dubbed “watermelon calves” most often.
The 14th floor apartment was in Gupo, a low income area on the outskirts of Busan. She’d lived there since she was 4, so nearly her entire life. Her father had left the family when she was 12. Her grandmother moved in at that time, but she died just before Soo-jung’s 14th birthday.
The college was also on top of a hill. Really, it was more like a mountain. The students had to walk up a hill, then some stairs, then more hill, just to get to the student commons. To get classes they had to walk up more stairs or another hill.
Soo-jung hated walking. If the weather was warm the sweat ruined her makeup and hair. If it was cold the distance felt twice as far and made her body ache. When the wind blew from the ocean through the mountains that sprouted up through Busan it just felt like hell, no matter if it was hot or cold.
Ji-won lived further away, in Gimhae, a city outside of Busan, but not so far from Gupo, as he was quick to remind Soo-jung. He took one bus from his home to catch the school shuttle, which then took an hour and 15 minutes. Even though the shuttle went all the way to school he'd get off in the center of Gupo so he could meet Soo-jung. They’d walk up the hill together. Sometimes he’d even get behind her and push her up the hill as she’d lay back into his hands and whimper like a puppy.
From the day they sat and joked in English class, Ji-won would wake up at 5 a.m., get ready and arrive in Gupo by eight. He’d meet Soo-jung and walk her to school. Sometimes they stopped and ate tempura at a food stall at the base of the hill. Or, if Ji-won could persuade Soo-jung, they’d go to a motel for an hour or two before class.
Early in their relationship Soo-jung wouldn’t have anything to do with going to a motel. But after they’d celebrated their 100 day anniversary she didn’t see any reason not to so long as no one saw them going in or out. They usually went to the same place, the Roma Motel. It was near the school, but hidden down a small street and in an alley. Anyone who spotted them might think they were going to the not-so-famous kimchi-chigai (kimchi-stew) restaurant located in the same alley.
At first Soo-jung was nervous to have sex with Ji-won. They had both been virgins and were each afraid in their own way. Ji-won never showed nervousness, but sometimes Soo-jung could see him shaking, or he’d start forgetting his words in the middle of a sentence as they walked to the Roma. She thought it was cute and it relaxed her a little.
After those first few times Soo-jung felt quite free in the motel. The whole thing seemed very adult. The hotel had two large pillars out front and red carpet inside. It wasn’t nice, but it gave the whole experience a tinge of luxury. Plus, once they were inside their room it was like living in their own apartment. They had their own TV, hairspray, razors, aftershave, garbage cans, a phone, a little refrigerator, a heater/fan, plenty of mirrors and towels. For Soo-jung it was an escape. From her mother’s intrusive questions and commands, away from school and studying, away from her pestering younger brother, away from the hot or cold weather. Just she and Ji-won in bed, together in their own apartment. In their own world.
Soo-jung thought Ji-won looked funny when he was having sex. Like he was in pain. His eyes were always closed. Occasionally he looked down at her breasts or between her legs. Suddenly he’d decide to throw her legs over her head, or grab a hold of her breast for dear life. And the sounds! The whole thing sounded like a plunger going in and out of a toilet, in and out, in and out, until he stopped breathing and his face scrunched up so tight she thought he’d either pass out or explode. Sometimes Soo-jung completely forgot what they were doing and just stared at Ji-won’s face. If he opened his eyes she’d close hers and wait until she knew it was safe to open them again.
Eventually Ji-won would go faster and faster until he finally cried out and gasped for air. Sometimes he’d grab her hair or the pillow behind him. When he did cry out he sounded similar to her, that is, like a woman. But once he could control himself he’d deepen his voice, or even clear his throat, as if that were the reason he’d sounded so feminine. She was surprised how ridiculous sex often was. She’d seen it on television or the Internet many times, but actually doing it was kind of cute and silly, if a little stupid.
After they’d finish Soo-jung would do her makeup in the mirror. That was when she really felt like an adult. She carefully outlined and shaded her mouth in hopes of hiding her oversized upper lip. She’d pucker in the mirror, always trying to somehow force it back down where everyone else's was. Pinning it down with her lower lip, bending it under her front teeth, not really believing it would ever stay down, but trying nonetheless.
After sex Ji-won would sit on the edge of the bed and talk to her. He looked like such a man when he did that. They both thought that. Soo-jung had heard that usually Korean men get very quiet and sleepy after sex. But in fact Ji-won became very talkative. He’d talk so much Soo-jung would sometimes wish he would get tired or go to sleep. He’d start explaining this and that to her. Mostly about what kind of job he wanted to get, or what his ideal type of woman was. He’d talk about relationships between men and women and what is important and what is not important. Sometimes he’d talk about his political views. How the American army should get out of Korea so they could reunify the country. One time, when they went to the Roma to celebrate their 150th day, he told her of how his grandfather had been killed in the Gwangju massacre of 1980. He’d almost cried and this touched her greatly.
Soo-jung didn’t listen all that closely to what Ji-won said. She hated politics and knew very little about such things. When Ji-won talked about things like men and women, or marriage, she only half listened. In truth, at that time, Soo-jung was more interested in feeling adult than being adult.
She later realized Ji-won revealed more about his personality during those talks than at any other time. It wasn’t that she was interested in what he was saying, but she was curious about why he said the things he did. It was as if sex had opened him up like a bottle and his true self came flowing out.
Ji-won was a good student, even if the school itself wasn’t a good one. Ji-won liked to explain that he’d gotten on the wrong track in middle school. Mostly, he got good grades because his father threatened to beat him if he didn’t. Soo-jung didn't care about studying and wanted to work as a hair designer. She liked hair. She went to school because her grandfather made her. He thought she should try to get a good job and help her mother with money since there was no man in the house.
Her mother used to sell fish at her sister’s market near the train station in Gupo. It wasn’t a good income, but it was money. But her mother had worked sparingly since an accident which had left her with half a little finger. After that she stayed home and watched TV most of the time. Other people in her family gave her money because they felt sorry for her. Like her grandfather did, Ji-won gave Soo-jung pressure to support her mother. They both told her it was her duty as a daughter. Still, it was hard for Soo-jung to think of such things. She told Ji-won that earning money seemed like the job of an adult man, not a teenage girl. He replied that eventually he’d be able to support both she and her mom. But not for several years. That until they could get married it would still be her responsibility.
When Ji-won said that Soo-jung felt like an electric charge had shot threw her body. The idea of marriage was not something she had thought about, ever. Not with Ji-won or anyone else. She wanted to get married, someday, but it was one thing to pretend to be adult inside the Roma motel. She knew the reality was something different. They hadn’t even been together 200 days. Feeling uncomfortable, Soo-jung ignored the comment. The silence was heavy. Eventually Ji-won looked at Soo-jung, beginning to wonder if she’d heard him. She did her best to pretend like she hadn’t.
Soo-jung had a younger brother who was in high school. He had a part time job at a local computer game room called Cyber Town. He’d helped get Ji-won a job at the same place. The job had enabled Ji-won to start paying for motel rooms. Before that he had to rely on the occasional money from his mother. His father had insisted boys his age didn’t need money except for books and bus fare. But his mother would give him some in secret. So Ji-won kept his job a secret from most people.
He was paid $200 a month working 15 hours every week at Cyber Town. Before he worked he’d go there all the time anyway. He loved computer games, so he was basically getting paid for something he’d be doing anyway. It was a perfect deal as far as he was concerned.
For Ji-won the computer game world was much more exciting than the real one. Inside the game there was no studying, no fathers, no English, just pure excitement and adrenalin. He didn’t have to think, only react.
When he first met Soo-jung he was more than willing to give up his Saturday afternoon to go shopping or a movie with Soo-jung. At that point he’d hardly showed an interest in computer games. But as time went on he managed to find time to play. At first he worked to fit it in his schedule. He’d skip a class here and there. Go back to Gimhae an hour or two later. But once he started working at Cyber Town his computer game time started to cut into his time with Soo-jung. Especially following their 200th day celebration for which Ji-won gave Soo-jung a new cosmetics carrying case. After that things felt more secure to Ji-won. They had a good routine, he felt. He’d still meet her at 8 a.m. on most days, they’d eat lunch together every day, text message each other throughout the day, and go to the motel regularly.
Ji-won’s game of choice was World of Warcraft. And he was very good at it. The game was ongoing, and Ji-won had built his character past level 60, which meant he regularly competed against the best players in the world. It also meant he had certain responsibilities to the game. For example, sometimes he had to take part in mass raids involving his clan. Things that eventually became more of a priority as time went on. Other things; school, family, and Soo-jung sometimes had to take a back seat.
Ji-won implored Soo-jung to understand his obligation to the game. If it was during his normal working hours, it was very difficult for Soo-jung to argue with him. But if he wasn’t scheduled to work she had less and less patience for Ji-won choosing games over her. As a result, Ji-won sometimes lied to Soo-jung, saying he had to be on duty at Cyber Town when in fact he didn’t.
That worked for a while, but eventually Soo-jung figured it out. She didn’t like him lying in order to not spend time with her, but perhaps more importantly, she thought playing the games seemed childish. It seemed like for all the adult things they were doing together, playing computer games was moving Ji-won in the opposite direction.
She fought it for a while, but eventually she realized Ji-won was going to play computer games whether she told him to or not. If Ji-won had to play Warcraft he simply told Soo-jung he had to work. They both knew he was lying. He only worked for 5 hours during three days a week. It got the point where they’d both laugh at it. Ji-won interpreted this as Soo-jung understanding his mind. In a small way it made him love her more. But Soo-jung’s feeling never changed. She just knew she couldn’t do anything about it.
With the money he made working at Cyber Town Ji-won could pay for trips to the Roma Motel up to four times a month. Both he and Soo-jung knew this and it became almost a guarantee that they would go to the Roma four times a month. For Ji-won it was as if they’d entered into a contract. It was a surplus that would otherwise go to waste. If it came to the end of the month and they’d only gone to the Roma twice it made perfect sense to Ji-won to squeeze a couple trips at the end of the last week of the month. One time he even called in sick to work, it was their 250th day, so it made sense.
Sometimes Soo-jung played Warcraft with Ji-won. He had half-hoped she would get interested in the game, but she just wasn’t good enough. Because of the nature of the game, she could accompany his character on missions with her own character. She liked the idea in theory. Her character was a pretty elf and she’d stand behind his warrior character while he walked through the woods or fought monsters. But that got boring and sometimes she got in the way, which made Ji-won frustrated. Mostly she ended up just watching Ji-won play. It wasn’t like they were a team.
They didn’t argue often. But more than half of their fights started with Soo-jung trying to talk to Ji-won while he was concentrating on a game. He was usually dismissive and sometimes he ignored her altogether. At first she’d tried to understand. She’d leave him alone or wait patiently until he could focus on her instead of the game. But eventually it made her angry. Sometimes she’d turn around, walk out the door and go home without saying a word. Often Ji-won wouldn’t even notice for an hour or two. Still, he hated Soo-jung to walk home alone at night. He always insisted she wait for him so he could walk with her. Gupo wasn’t dangerous, but it wasn’t totally safe, he explained. There were tons of prostitutes near the train station, which attracted a lot of drunken businessmen that might beat or rape her.
Their fights never lasted that long. Ji-won especially hated fighting. He’d stay up all night on the phone, begging Soo-jung to understand his perspective. One time, when Soo-jung had refused to answer her phone, Ji-won took a taxi from Gimhae to Gupo at three in the morning. He showed up outside Soo-jung’s apartment, begging her forgiveness.
After he finished school Soo-jung's brother would come to the game room too. Since he was in his last year he didn't finish school until 10 or 11 p.m. He'd get to the game room with a group of friends and play for a couple hours and then he'd walk Soo-jung home if Ji-won was still playing.
Soo-jung's brother knew Ji-won was his sister's boyfriend, but he never discussed it with his sister directly. Some of the other kids that hung out at the game room knew because they would see them walk in together every day or leave together at night. And along with these bits of information there were rumors.
“I saw them touching hands.”
“I heard they’re getting married before he goes to his military service.”
“I saw them walking out of a motel together.”
“He has another girlfriend in another game room.”
“I bet they have sex.”
“No, they don’t.”
Soo-jung’s brother had caught wind of some of the rumors, because a lot of the people starting them were his friends. He’d tell them he didn’t want to hear anything about it and since he was older than most of them, because he’d started school a year late, they had to be careful what they said to him. But eventually he and everyone else knew about the "campus couple" that came to the game room every day.
Even thought they were always polite to her a lot of the kids at the game room hated Soo-jung. She was older than most of them so she could order them around. She treated them all like her little brother even though she only knew half of them by sight. She would tell them to get her and Ji-won coffee or make them instant noodles.
Sometimes Soo-jung did this out of boredom. Picking on the younger kids was a way to pass the time while Ji-won played Warcraft. They other kids hated her, and by default, Ji-won. But there wasn't much they could do. Both Ji-won and Soo-jung were older, and Soo-jung's little brother was older than most of them because he started school a year late. Plus, both Ji-won and Soo-jung's little brother worked at the game room. These things, combined with the fact that the game room was the cheapest in the area left the kids with no option but to endure Soo-jung’s abuse. An hour at Cyber Town only cost 70 cents. And besides coming around in the morning to collect the money, the woman who owned the place was never around. So besides being cheap the place had a relatively free and wild atmosphere. There was no one to tell them not to spit on the floor, slam their hands on the keyboard or howl if something in their game went bad. The place was pretty much run by the kids. They always kept the best ramen noodles and snacks on hand. The choice was simple; they could either endure Soo-jung, and occasionally Ji-won’s, abuse, or go to another game room and pay more money for fewer hours of lower quality gaming.
But for the kids at Cyber Town, there was little justice. Revenge against Soo-jung was impossible. However, they did keep an ever-growing list of nicknames for her that they traded like a commodity.
“Lump lip.”
“I say dirty rag lip.”
“No, baseball bat legs.”
“She’s got a balloon head.”
“Ass mouth.”
They were careful to keep these names private from Soo-jung, her little brother, and Ji-won. If Ji-won heard someone calling his girlfriend “dirty rag lip” there was no telling what might happen to them. This had been something like the fate of one high school boy who had crossed Ji-won on the wrong day.
Everyone agreed it was a case of bad timing. Ji-won was close to leveling up in Warcraft. As was sometimes the case, a small crowd had gathered around Ji-won’s computer to watch him as he approached the new plateau. Soo-jung was mildly interested and supportive, but she was also angry because Ji-won had not only skipped their English class that morning, but he’d had largely ignored her for the 12 hours he’d been trying to advance.
It was like a chain reaction. With her and Ji-won on the verge of fighting Soo-jung became especially harsh on the kids. She criticized one boy for his hair, slapping him upside the head twice and telling him to get a haircut. Then, she flopped down in the chair next to Ji-won and whined that she was thirsty. She told one boy to get her a drink, when he came back with a cup of water she said “I told you a drink stupid, not water!” kicking him on the behind with her high-heeled shoe. Everyone, including the boy laughed nervously. He scuttled away, bringing her back a vitamin drink.
It was like she had it in for the kid. He was small and harmless and Soo-jung was bored. She grabbed the boy by the ear and said “I hate Vitamin drinks!” As she squeezed the boy’s ear more and more she repeated “Are you stupid? Are you stupid?” again and again. The boy cried in pain and his three friends, who were watching, winced and tried to intervene.
“Older sister, please don’t. What drink do you want?”
She finally let go and opened the vitamin drink. As the boys walked away, one of them, no one knew who, muttered “daughter of dog,” under his breath. Soo-jung whipped her head around. “Who said that!” she demanded. That she had even heard the slang at all was bad luck. The boys had been walking away, and the boy had meant to say it under his breath. But both Soo-jung and Ji-won had heard it. And as luck would have it, at that very moment Ji-won had been defeated in his quest to level up. The timing was awful. Ji-won shot out of his chair and stomped over to the boys. He immediately grabbed the tallest of the four by the back of his neck. As it turned out, he wasn’t even the one who said “daughter of dog,” but he was part of the offending group, the biggest, and easiest to grab hold of.
Ji-won pulled him outside and punched him in the stomach, keeping his hand in his stomach as if he’d stabbed the boy with a long sword. The boy immediately started to hyperventilate. Ji-won grabbed the boy by the back of his neck again and started leading him down the street. Soo-jung and a sizable group from the game room followed behind in both concern and anticipation.
“Where is he taking him?”
“He’s going to throw him in the Nakdong River!”
“Is he going to kill him?”
“He’s going to throw him in front of a subway!”
Some of the group was laughing, but the boy’s friends were not. The boy who had said “daughter of dog” caught up to Ji-won and tried to explain he had been the one to say it. But Ji-won didn’t seem to hear him. Ji-won continued to march down the street, the boy firmly in his grip.
Soo-jung and the others struggled to keep pace. Ji-won made a sharp left into a narrow alley that led to an outdoor market. The gang of kids turned into a line. Women selling fruit and fish stood up and stared at the parade. An old man yelled “go to school!” as he swatted mosquitoes with an electric tennis racquet swatter.
Soo-jung’s face was one of both elation and fear. Normally, Ji-won wasn’t hot tempered. His actions seemed out of character. He had lost control, and even though she admired his prowess, she was worried about the fate of the boy and her role in what had happened.
Suddenly the crowd came to a stop.
Ji-won and his captor stood before a long row of cages selling live dogs for meat. The market was closed, and covers had been put over all the cages. Ji-won tightened his grip on the shoulders of the boy’s school uniform jacket and started toward the cages, dramatically lifting the cover off one. By then the boy was screaming and writhing like a fish out of water, begging Ji-won to let him go. His long legs moved in all directions, but Ji-won’s grip was firm.
“Who is the dog?!” Ji-won screamed at the boy. “Who is a dog?!”
The dogs were barking and their tails slammed against the bars of their cages.
“Who is the dog now?!” Ji-won screamed. By then everyone watching was either laughing from nervousness or standing in stunned silence. One of the boys started to cry.

Ji-won made one last dramatic pause before pushing the side of the boy’s face up against the cage. Two dogs excitedly lapped at the boy’s salty sweaty face, their big tails hitting the cage bars, making muffled pinging sounds. The dogs barked and licked and tried to nip at the boy’s skin through the bars. The other dogs were frenzied, barking so loudly that no one watching could hear anything. The boy periodically screamed out, but his arms and legs had slowed. He helplessly hung in Ji-won’s hands, bracing himself by holding the cage bars. Two older men sitting on a table across the street shared a bottle of soju and watched the commotion with quizzical looks on their faces.
Ji-won moved to the next cage, which had four dogs inside. They climbed on top of each other in their cramped cage to get a chance to lap at the boy’s skin. By then there were at least 20 dogs barking. The sound was deafening.
Soo-jung stood with her mouth open as she watched the scene. She had been angry, and for a while she’d enjoyed the spectacle. But with each second that passed Ji-won’s reaction seemed more and more extreme. A couple times she caught glimpses of his eyes. He looked possessed. He had very cold and workmanlike expression on his face. A couple times he closed his eyes, and was holding his breath in using all his strength. He looked like he did when he was having sex with Soo-jung, she thought.
One of the friends of the tall boy started screaming for help. He ran to a neighboring shop and said there was an emergency. An older man ran out of the store, but upon seeing the situation rolled his eyes, calmly walked over to Ji-won and kicked him in the behind. Ji-won finally loosened his grip and pushed the boy away. The older man yelled “shut up” and hit the side of the cage with his fist.
After Ji-won let him go the boy teetered on his feet for a moment before falling on the ground. His white school shirt was blackened and soaked with dog saliva. He had a small raw scrape on his right cheek and his face was red with white blotches. As he gained control of his breath, he began to cry. His friends gathered around him and tried to brush the saliva and dirt off his school uniform. Intermittently, they looked over in Ji-won’s direction in shock.
Ji-won grabbed Soo-jung’s arm and started in the direction of her home. Her mind was swimming. She wanted to feel safe. Ji-won had seemingly defended her. Protected her. But in her heart she knew what had happened had been related more Warcraft than chivalry. She took her phone out from her purse. It was nearly 11:30 p.m. She also noticed that in one hour it would become their 260th day as a couple. Normally this would be cause for some mild celebration. But she felt nothing of the sort.
She looked at him as they walked. Ji-won stared at the ground, seemingly deep in thought. As they arrived at Soo-jung’s apartment she pulled out a tissue from her purse and dotted the sweat from Ji-won’s face. She stopped and looked into his eyes.
“Baby,” she started.
He stared at her face as if it were the sky.
“Baby,” she said again.
Ji-won seemed to be in a trance. He didn’t look at her, but seemingly through her. As if he was looking at the bus behind her. Into the middle of the hill Soo-jung’s apartment was built on.
She couldn’t put her finger on it, but at that moment Soo-jung’s perception of Ji-won and their relationship changed. She still loved him, but a little part of that love had vanished, and her intuition told her it wasn’t coming back. As she finished cleaning his face and kissed him on the cheek goodbye, she walked up to her apartment feeling a little sad. She didn’t even mention the fact that it was their 260th had arrived at midnight.
Ji-won didn’t think much of the event. He got on the bus to Gimhae and stared blankly as the jungle of apartment buildings gave way to the purple and pink outlined motels that sit upon the Nakdong River.
When he got home his mother handed him a letter addressed to him. She had already opened it and the way she quickly shuffled off he knew it wasn’t good news. It was a notice from the Korean military. He was set to have his physical the following week. For Ji-won his mandatory military service was something he had thought about during the past year, though less once he’d met Soo-jung. However, now it was becoming a tangible reality.
He and Soo-jung had avoided the subject entirely. He had nearly brought it up once at the Roma Motel in one of his post-fucking speeches. But when he realized he was going to cry he kept his mouth shut. Another time she had brought it up, by accident. And that time she had cried. Ji-won had to look the other way so keep Soo-jung from seeing the tears in his own eyes.
After he got the letter Ji-won thought about the military every day. He had heard so many stories. It was a regular staple of male conversation both old and young. Most agreed that it was beneficial and necessary. All agreed it was hell. Some thought it worse than hell.
Ji-won objected to military service as he objected to the idea of the Korean War itself. Whose war was it? Why was America in South Korea? Why did he have to give away two years of his life so that America could maintain Army bases in his country?
Ji-won knew this kind of thinking of rebellion would be out the window once he went to basic training. Many had told him, the question of why goes away. It’s the day to day living, or dying, in the military that becomes the only question. There is no end, nor means. Only survival.
It was at this time Ji-won started smoking. He figured that everyone smokes in the military anyway. If you don't smoke with your superiors receiving punishment was not out of the question. He explained this to Soo-jung one day at the Roma Motel the first time he lit up after they fucked. During that time Ji-won was trying to keep a stern resolve about the military. He was determined to face the situation head on. He wanted and needed to be the strong one, for both his and Soo-jung’s sake.
To his surprise Soo-jung wasn’t emotional as he’d imagined when he started talking about the military openly. He hadn’t revealed the date he’d be leaving, but he’d still expected more of a reaction since that had been the case in the past. He’d planned on having to comfort her upon the first mention. To comfort her; but with some distance since his departure was inevitable. She, like he, had to start facing these things was his logic. But as he started talking about smoking in the military she more or less nodded in acceptance between putting doing her lips and eye makeup. Ji-won stood up moved behind her, treating her as if she were bawling her eyes out, because that’s what he had planned on. As he stood there in the mirror with Soo-jung doing her make up, he felt as though he might cry, so he hurried back to the bed and didn’t bring it up again that day.
Ji-won had been confused by Soo-jung’s lack of emotion, but he quickly assumed the shock of the situation was too much for her to take at that time. His friends had warned him time and again that when a man prepares to go into the military, his girlfriend becomes increasingly unstable. That in actuality, it is much easier for the man to leave, because even though his service is extremely difficult, it’s a new surrounding. But for the woman, she is suddenly walking with a ghost. She does the same things, goes to the same places, but she is suddenly alone.
Besides, Ji-won thought, what else does Soo-jung have besides him? She had no father. Her mother can barely earn money. She’s wasn’t even beautiful. Cute, but hardly a beauty queen. He wondered if she had a better option. After thinking these things he felt a little better. It seemed likely that Soo-jung would be with him when he left for the military, just as she would be there when he came back from the military. He told himself this again and again in the time leading up to his departure. It made him feel better.
The first time Soo-jung smoked a cigarette Ji-won didn’t notice because he’d been involved in a game. She simply pulled one out of his pack and smoked while chatting with one of her friends online. Only when she purposely put the cigarette out in Ji-won’s ashtray did he notice. He was furious.
“What are you doing?” His eyes were fixed on the computer screen.
“Smoking.”
“When did you try that?”
“Just now.”
There was a pause and the electronic sounds of Cyber Town continued.
“You shouldn’t do that. You’ll kill your baby.”
“I’m not pregnant.”
“I mean later.”
"What later?"
"When you want to have a baby."
"Why do I have to have a baby?"
Soo-jung calmly stood up and walked outside. Ji-won quickly looked over his shoulder. He shook his head and tsk-ed but quickly soon forgot the whole situation. Soo-jung came back minutes later with a rice roll that she shared with him. When they were finished Soo-jung took another of Ji-won’s cigarettes and lit up again. Ji-won shook his head and said “crazy girl.” But she ignored him.
Ji-won continued to dislike Soo-jung smoking and she didn’t particularly like his. But the conflict didn’t progress beyond the occasional sarcastic comment by Ji-won. Smoking at the game room became very natural. The pace of smoking fit well with gaming. It was easy to lose count of time and space. Soo-jung would usually smoke one per hour and Ji-won two, depending on the intensity of his game. He sometimes chain smoked for several hours straight if he was really focusing. The others in the game room immediately noticed the “lovebird’s” new habit. First one and then two of them started smoking. Soon, nearly all the regulars at Cyber Town were smoking.
A couple days later, Soo-jung came out of the bathroom to find her little brother smoking. She yelled at him in the middle of the game room, yanked the cigarette from his mouth, and stepped on it with the tip of her high heeled shoe, like it was a bug. The other high school students thought that was hilarious and for several days they mimicked her actions to each other. Soo-jung's brother had often bullied them, so it was fun to see him get it from someone he couldn’t control. Plus, when Soo-jung got angry and talked fast her upper lip bulged even more than usual. One of the students said later that when she got angry she looked like a gorilla. They started referring to her as "gorilla lip" instead of "lump lip." But they were particularly quiet with this. No one had forgotten what had happened at the dog market.


Despite this slight humiliation Soo-jung’s brother was determined to start smoking. Soon enough one could find Ji-won, Soo-jung, and her brother, all sitting in a row playing games, all smoking. Soon most of the kids at the game room had started. This was good for Soo-jung because if she or Ji-won were out of cigarettes there were always several packs from which she could take two or three. Ji-won thought it would be a good idea to start selling cigarettes along with the noodles, candy and drinks at Cyber Town. So they did.
Ji-won continued to avoid the topic of his leaving for the military. When his mother called to inform him he’d received his final summons for basic training he told Soo-jung his Grandmother in Deagu was sick and that he'd be gone all day. In truth the news had made him feel sick. He couldn’t bear to see Soo-jung knowing he’d soon be without her. He needed to go home and think of the proper way to tell her. His departure became an immediate reality. He went directly home and stared at the letter in near disbelief. He fell on his bed and started to sketch ideas of what he would tell Soo-jung. He was leaving in a week. He would be gone. And his girlfriend, his love, didn’t even know.
He knew had to say it directly and without appearing nervous. For a moment he considered giving her a letter. It could be better for her to receive the news in private. She undoubtedly kept a lot of emotion inside her. He would have to tell her in the motel. That way she could cry hysterically if need be. He could comfort her without concern of other people watching their every move.
But Ji-won knew giving her a letter wasn’t the proper method. He had to tell her directly. Without fear. He practiced what he would say that night and on the bus to Busan the next morning, all the while telling himself again and again that Soo-jung had few options as good as he.
Later that morning in the motel Soo-jung could sense that something was on Ji-won’s mind. He flailed away at her body like she was a doll. He didn’t kiss her. He seemed to be rushing, as if he wanted to finish as soon as possible. His face quickly scrunched up and as he came he pinched her left nipple so hard she cried out in pain. He grabbed her hair on both sides and shook her head back and forth. Then he fell off her, quickly rolled over and lit a cigarette. Soo-jung couldn't wait to get out of the bed. She practically jumped out and shuffled into the shower, her breast throbbing in pain.
She finished washing and was pursing her lips in the bathroom mirror when Ji-won decided the moment had come. He stared at Soo-jung, telling himself to start. But he couldn’t. How could he ruin such a perfect picture? She was carefully examining her hair in the mirror.
He took a deep breath and lit up a cigarette in bed. He looked at the mirror over the bed. He was worried that wouldn’t look good, so he sat up. But then he was sitting naked on the bed smoking a cigarette and he figured that looked strange too. He ended up settling for a pose that was neither laying nor sitting, something between the two. That made smoking difficult so he took one more long drag and put out his cigarette. By then Soo-jung had finished in the mirror.
Ji-won told himself again and again, she can’t do better. She’s not even that pretty. He even nodded his head up and down, as if feeling the words would make them come true. She had no choice but to wait for him. What was he worried for? What would she do instead? He imagined her, lonely but content, helping her mother at home, checking her email and phone for messages from him.
The scenario was enough to finally give him the courage say something.
“Soo-jung, I’m leaving on March…..fifth.”
As he said the word “fifth” his voice cracked with emotion. But he’d finally said it. Soo-jung stared blankly, first at the mirror, then at him. She turned to him and he saw tears in her eyes. He forced himself not to cry. He calmly stood up and confidently walked across the room. He gently took Soo-jung into his arms and squeezed with all his might. He began to cry. Soo-jung’s nipple was still throbbing as Ji-won begged her to be strong. He told her that basic training was only 6 weeks long and then he’d have four days vacation. And as time went on he'd get more vacations. Eventually he'd be done and they could live together forever.
After he held her for awhile he pulled back. He was prepared for the worst. But as he looked at her he could see Soo-jung’s eyes were completely dry. They looked at each other for a moment. They were surprised in the fact that neither of them had the look the other had expected.
They stood there frozen, neither exactly sure what to do. Ji-won sensed he should take the initiative. He dismissed Soo-jung’s lack of emotion as shock and forged ahead with what he’d planned to say. He told Soo-jung to wait for him. That he loved her and didn't want her to meet another man. That she needed him that he needed her and that when he was finished with the military he would come back, finish his studies and get a good job in the police force. She would get a job as a cashier at a big chain store when she finished school. Someplace like Wal-mart. She would work and save money for their wedding. Ji-won smiled a little and looked up at Soo-jung when he said this. He told her that after two or three years he will have saved enough money for a place to live, and they would marry at that time.
Soo-jung didn’t say anything immediately and took out a cigarette. She dropped it on the floor, scrambling to pick it back up. Her hand was shaking as she lit it and then tried to carefully put it between her lips. She didn’t say anything. She had no idea what to say. To argue, cry of happiness, cry of sorrow or hope Ji-won would go to the bathroom so she could run out the motel door. Finally she opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She couldn't look at Ji-won. In every direction was a mirror revealing nothing but her frozen body. Her mouth open, but no sounds came out. The cigarette smoke was the only sign of life in the room.
She thought "yes," and as quickly thought "no." Did she love Ji-won? Yes and no. Did she want to wait for him? Yes and no. The water cooler let out a bubble, making a dense gurgling sound. She knew she had to say something, or Ji-won would simply try to tell her what they ought to do.
"But,” she finally said. It sounded odd as it came out. The room had been quiet for so long, there was nothing to contradict. “I want to open a hair shop. Not work as a cashier.”
Ji-won’s eyes opened a little and he sat up. He quickly reached for a cigarette. He realized then, while he had prepared what he wanted to say, he hadn’t accounted for anyone speaking back to him. He leaned forward in thought. He then calmly looked at Soo-jung again, resuming a calm and knowing gaze.
“After I work for a couple years I will buy you a hair shop.”
She left it at that. At that time in her mind there was some glimmer of hope that Ji-won could indeed earn enough money that she could open her own hair shop. Her stomach rose in excitement for a short moment. But her feeling calmed and then she was left with the same feeling as before. A feeling that whatever word she said at that time, it wouldn’t be the right one. They were back where they’d been to before. Even though his idea seemed remote and far-fetched, she wasn’t about to contradict him. There was no point. He’d tell her she was wrong and then they would start again. Soon she felt a smile come across her face. It wasn’t a real smile, more like a grin; a slightly happy-looking grimace.
It was quiet again. The pause and the smoke. Again Ji-won sensed he should say something. He wished Soo-jung would say something, but in the end he dramatically threw Soo-jung on the bed. He yanked her cigarette from her hand, took a sharp half-drag and tossed it behind his back. The cigarette slammed against the mirror. The ash rained down on the combs in formaldehyde and aftershave lotion.
Ji-won tried to fuck Soo-jung as if it were the last chance to emphasize the seriousness of his dream for their future. He had shared his heart with her and felt a great love at that moment. He threw open her robe and grabbed her breasts, exhaling deeply to increase the drama. Soo-jung winced, but was still unable to speak.
Ji-won smothered his face into her crotch and groaned, rushing back toward her face to push his lips into hers again. He wanted to devour her. He was scraping at her skin like he expected to take that, along with the robe, off from her body. He wanted to rip her body open and climb inside her like a sleeping bag.
Soo-jung made some attempts to follow his seeming passion. Just as when he’d announced their plan, her reflex was to accept. Ji-won put his fingers inside her and churned them around. He sounded like he would hyperventilate from the excitement. But it didn’t sound real. To either of them. Her breathing slowed and she mechanically ran her fingers through Ji-won's hair. She twisted it around one finger or another, until he surged and slammed on top of her, ravaging her neck and arms. He moved down to her crotch again and started biting the insides of her legs. Soo-jung cried out in pain. Genuinely beginning to fear for her sex she tried to turn to the side.
At that moment the phone in the room rang. They both stopped and looked the phone. Neither could comprehend that the phone had rung let alone who it might be. No one knew they were at the Roma motel. The only person who’d seen them was the woman who owned the place. There was no reason for her to call. It rang once more and then stopped. Ji-won and Soo-jung both waited until a full minute had passed and they could be sure no one was actually calling them, before they looked at each other.
Ji-won tried to resume, kissing her slowly on the neck and right breast. His momentum lost, by the time he sensed Soo-jung’s disinterest he was actually a little relieved. He came to a full stop, lying on top of her, their heads turned in opposite directions. He closed his eyes for a while. When he opened them he could see each of their bodies entirely in the mirror. Like two parallel lines.
Neither of them said anything for a while. Eventually the door in the next room broke the silence. They could hear a man and a woman talking. Within a minute they’d stopped talking and they could hear the woman writhing. The man groaned occasionally and then something started pounded against the wall the two rooms shared. The pounding was so strong Soo-jung could see the combs in formaldehyde shifting a little.
“We’re almost late for class,” she said.
Ji-won quickly agreed. He took out a cigarette and smoked it quickly while he got dressed. He felt he’d made his point. He nodded to himself as he buttoned his shirt. Their plan was set and clear. Soo-jung would follow him and he could leave for the military with a clear conscience, knowing that someone would be waiting for him when he got back. Suddenly, going to the military seemed a little less scary.
As they walked to class Soo-jung tried to organize her thoughts about Ji-won, the military, her job, and her future. While she did love Ji-won she realized she rarely thought of their love lasting into the future. Were these the ideas of a whore? She couldn’t be sure. Part of her thought she ought to marry a man like Ji-won as soon as possible. The other part of her couldn’t imagine ever being married.
That day in English class Ji-won didn't make any jokes. The concept of studying before going to the military was becoming more and more ridiculous. His future with Soo-jung had been the only question that mattered to him, and now that had been answered. Nothing else was relevant. He stared aimlessly at the ceiling, not realizing the teacher had asked him three times "What is your hobby?"
Ji-won glared back at the teacher.
"Game," Ji-won finally said.
"A complete sentence please," the teacher said.
Ji-won didn't understand "complete" or "sentence," so he repeated "game" again. Then "game room."
There was a pause as the teacher and Ji-won sized one another up.
"What is your problem today?" asked the teacher.
"Problem?" Ji-won didn’t understand “problem” either. So he stared at the teacher again. He wasn’t exactly trying to be confrontational, but the teacher could only interpret it as such.
The teacher got angry and eventually kicked Ji-won out of the class, which was fine with him. He went directly to the game room. On his way out of the building he messaged Soo-jung and told her to meet him there after class. He hated English, and he especially hated Americans like the teacher. Ji-won felt that in an indirect way his teacher or his kind anyway, was responsible for him having to go to the military.
Everyone at the game room knew Ji-won was leaving soon and they were happy about that. Ji-won, knowing he wouldn't be able to play computer games much in the army dedicated himself to moving up five more levels in World of Warcraft. This was nearly impossible, he knew, but if he did it would be his legacy at the game room and in Gupo in general. Everyone knew he was the best player in Gupo. Possibly in all of Busan. Some even suggested that he should become professional and compete on TV when he finished the military.
He knew that when he was in the middle of nowhere, shoveling snow or starring at North Korean soldiers for 20 hours a day, he’d savor this time now. When would he have such freedom again? When would he have the chance to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it? It would be more than two years. And what about after that? With these kinds of questions in his mind Ji-won started playing “Warcraft” for nearly 20 hours per day. He stopped going to class entirely.
He broke the day into two 10 hour shifts, eating ramen noodles every 4 or 5 hours. He drank one coffee per hour and smoked between 2 or 3 cigarettes per hour. After playing for 10 hours he would power nap for 15 minutes. He’d ask Soo-jung to make sure nothing was happening in the game that would damage his character or his chances of increasing his level. If there was a problem she should wake him up. After a 20 hour cycle he would go in the broom closet and sleep on the floor for 3 or 4 hours.
The kids at the game room marveled at Ji-won's strength. They already deferred to him because he was older, because of the display he’d put on at the dog market, because he had a girlfriend. But his game playing prowess drew near worship from the other kids. Even Soo-jung’s little brother started to openly, and even proudly speak about his sister’s boyfriend.
But after three days Soo-jung became worried. For both of them their discussion from the motel room evaporated into a haze of blue lights and cigarette smoke at Cyber Town. Soo-jung was happy to see the discussion come to an end, whereas Ji-won was comfortable in knowing that Soo-jung would wait for him.
"Have you looked in a mirror these days?"
Ji-won said nothing.
"Haven’t you lost weight? Have you even taken a shower?"
Ji-won made a face, gesturing to the side without taking his eyes from the screen.
"Aren't you worried at all? Why can't you look at me?"
Ji-won found her concern cute. "You're already like my wife aren't you?" He laughed, quickly slurping a bite of noodles from the cup beside him.
Soo-jung stared at Ji-won while he played the game. His face was attached to the screen. His fingers moved quickly, tapping a few keys, then stopping, occasionally looking even more intently at the screen. The computer screen reflected brown and gold flashing animations off his glasses. He was leaving in four days.
As she watched him, whatever reservations she had about their relationship ending started to fade. Her friends had warned her against staying with a man going into the military. Korean men change when they go to the military, people said. Learning how to kill someone changes a man. He can become more responsible, yes. But he can become irresponsible too. When he’s freed from that prison in two years what will he become? Will he run to her or away from her? Did she trust him enough to wait? Did she know him enough to wait for him?
Ji-won was still focused on the computer screen. He started talking to her about men having goals, and that it was her duty as his future wife to support him in his goals in life. Soo-jung looked at the three empty ramen containers to Ji-won’s right. The three empty cigarette packets to his left.
Ji-won made a "whaaaa!" noise and raised his fist in the air. "Another level is mine!" he said. A few boys stood up and walked over, including the tall boy that Ji-won had rammed into to the dog cage. They crowded around his computer to admire his work. Soo-jung soon found herself at the back of the crowd.
She stood there for a while and then decided to go home. After a while Ji-won noticed she’d left. He pulled out his phone, wondering if he'd missed her call or text message, but she hadn’t.
He continued to play. He was feeling in good form. He had once heard, while watching one of the daily computer game shows on TV, that the best players always allow themselves to become the game, and then, to let the game come to you. This was a mantra of sorts for Ji-won. At that time Ji-won felt a sense of oneness with the game. He felt light in his chair. He wasn’t hungry, he wasn’t thirsty, and he didn’t even crave a cigarette. He just played easily and fluidly. Like a perfect machine.
Ji-won was still experiencing this euphoria as he approached his 30th continuous hour of playing Warcraft. He looked at his phone. It was 4 a.m. and everyone had left the game room except two high school boys a few rows away from his. He picked up his phone and quickly looked at it. Soo-jung still hadn't called him. He remembered he was officially on duty at the game room, and that he should check the stock of noodles, coffee and candy. He dialed Soo-jung's number. She had turned her phone off. He contemplated going home. During a short break in the game he swiveled in his chair and looked outside. He could feel the muscles in his calves contracting. A couple cars raced by and a crowd of drunken older men stumbled across Ji-won’s view. He turned back to the computer console and resolved to finish one more stage.
The owner of the game room typically made one appearance a day. Usually around 9 a.m. To count and collect the money. She arrived that day, and after walking through the front door noticed none of the food or drinks had been restocked. She angrily slammed her purse on the counter next to the cash register and went to the broom closet, where could find the hired help from time to time. She flung open the door, but there was only a blanket on the floor. She slammed the door shut and scanned the room. No one was there. She was getting angrier.
Owning a game room was her husband's idea. They owned several apartments in Gupo, a popular raw fish restaurant, and a coffee shop escort service. The latter two had enabled them to buy the apartments. The game room was an afterthought and she treated it as such. So long as she didn't have to deal with it she didn't care much what went on there. She likened to drug addicts and let them do what they wanted with the place so long as it maintained its measly profit and didn't burn down.
"Fucking kids," she said out loud, moving down each row with a wastebasket. She swept at some empty noodle bowls, candy wrappers and drink containers, making a pile with them before throwing them in the garbage. She wondered who was supposed to be on duty. She stopped and thought, vaguely recalling an image somewhere between Ji-won and Soo-jung's brother. "Fucking kids. Who the fuck is supposed to be here?" She took out her phone and dialed "PC Worker," which was Soo-jung's brother. It was 9:30 a.m. and he was in Chemistry class at the high school, but knowing it was his boss he answered the phone.
"Yes?" he said politely, trying to cover his mouth so his teacher wouldn’t hear him.
"Where the fuck are you?"
"I'm in class."
"Class?"
"I'm a high school student?"
There was a pause. "Who the fuck is working here now?"
"Ji-won."
"Ji-won?,” she paused, “Who the fuck is that?"
"Ji-won. Lee Ji-won. He's not there?"
"No, he's not here but you better fucking call him right now or I'm going to fire both of you. This place is a fucking mess and it looks like no one was here all night!"
"Yes. I will call him now."
The owner slammed her phone shut and kicked a noodle bowl across the floor. Orange broth splashed up her high heeled shoes and onto her nylons.
“Fuck!”
As she walked toward the bathroom to get some tissue she saw something out of the corner of her eye. A young man had his face down on a keyboard. She wasn’t sure who he was and she couldn’t see his face. She thought it might be the person who was supposed to be working.
She briskly walked over to his chair and kicked it with the tip of her pointy toed high heeled shoe.
“Sleep pig, wake up!”
She looked at her watch. She needed to get to one of the apartment buildings by 9:30 a.m. “Wake up bitch!” she screamed, kicking him hard on the leg.
It was only when she grabbed him by the hair of the back of his head that she could see his had a bluish hue. She jumped back in shock. Spastic rap music filled the air. It was Soo-jung’s brother calling.
Ji-won smelled something burning. He opened his eyes. He was in a hospital bed with an I.V. in his arm. He was a little scared and quickly looked around the room. He saw his father in the corner of the room talking to a doctor. His little brother was sitting next to his bed, eating a piece of freshly roasted squid. That was the burning smell.
He was in the large room of an old hospital. Just a few feet to his right an older man lay sick on a hospital bed, groaning with each breath. On his left was a young woman holding an ice pack to her right eye. Small trickles of blood ran out from under the pack.
Ji-won was overwhelmed by his senses all coming alive at once. He wondered where he phone was.
Ji-won's father started to walk across the room. His father’s eyes told Ji-won everything he needed to know. That if they weren't in the hospital at that moment, Ji-won would be getting beaten. He did a quick calculation and guessed he was leaving for the military in two days. Could he avoid his father during that time? By the looks of the situation, lying in a hospital bed, his father hovering over him, the answer was no.
In the car ride home to Gimhae his father said nothing. Ji-won wasn’t entirely sure what had happened. To avoid his father further he turned around and asked his little brother where his phone was.
"Don’t worry about your fucking phone," his father interrupted.
Ji-won stared out the window, knowing he’d be seeing some of these things for the last time. These things he’d spent so many hours looking at on the bus to and from Gimhae to see Soo-jung. The small farms. The gas station center. The trail of beef restaurants giving way to a pack of pink and purple outlined motels, giving way to the airport. The rows of apartment buildings in Busan getting smaller and smaller until they looked like a chalk line underlining the mountain tops.
He knew that when he saw all this again he would be looking through different eyes. He would be changed when he was in the military. He would be beaten, treated like an animal, emotionally tested in ways he’d never imagined. Every man said this. In a sense he was dying. His former self would be dead. That in itself didn’t bother him. It was the methods by which his former self would die he feared.
This was why Soo-jung’s love would be so vital to him once he’d left. The one constant in his life would be Soo-jung. She would remain the same. She would be the only bridge between his current and future self. This scared Ji-won a little, but mostly it made him suddenly desperate to see her. Did she even know he was in the hospital? Ji-won fidgeted in his chair. It was nearly evening. He hadn’t talked to Soo-jung in over a day. Was she worried? What if she wasn’t? Then what would be his base? If he didn’t have Soo-jung he could lose his old self entirely.
He started thinking of the Roma Motel. If he were leaving in two days how could they manage to go there again? Had he lost his last chance at going to the Roma Motel? He felt a pang in his stomach. He imagined Soo-jung, sitting in front of the mirror, carefully doing her makeup. He wanted to be there so badly. He’d taken it for granted. It was the most comfortable place in the world and he’d taken it for granted.
His father didn’t say anything to him as they pulled into the driveway of their small home. Ji-won couldn’t imagine what was in store for him. He got his phone from his brother and went directly into his bedroom. He turned his phone on. Soo-jung had called 12 times and sent 6 text messages. He started to call her, but then stopped. He needed a cigarette and could smell the smoke from one of his father's in the other room. He worried his father was trying to calm himself down, before coming to his bedroom for his head.
Soo-jung answered in an exasperated and angry voice. Once Ji-won explained what had happened, that he’d passed out playing “Warcraft,” and had suffered from dehydration and malnutrition, Soo-jung was silent. She later realized that it was at that moment that that any remaining possibility of her waiting for Ji-won while he served in the army disappeared. He was in many ways a child. She too was a child, and because of that their emotions as a couple were volatile. Most of the time, since they were both still children, they were able to hone their immaturity into something approaching love. But in two years they would be different people. The risk that their chemistry wouldn’t match on the other side was too great. She had to let him go.
Ji-won pleaded for Soo-jung to forgive him. Now, he was fighting for his future. His future in some desolate camp somewhere in South Korea, where any hint of compassion or love could save his life. The less Soo-jung yielded, the more he realized his future comfort was in jeopardy. He started to get the sinking feeling that his ideas of Soo-jung being bound to him because of her lack of her lack of options, was wrong. Her voice was direct and resigned. She hardly sounded like a woman who could never fall in love again. In realizing this error he felt a little ashamed. He had rarely tried to treat Soo-jung as an equal. As a human being. He wondered if it was too late.
Soo-jung told him she and his friends had planned a party for him the night before he would leave. As was often the tradition they would all escort him directly to the base to say goodbye. The plan was for them to meet at 5 p.m. the following day, near the Gupo train station.
Ji-won looked outside. It was dusk. Meeting his friends “tomorrow” meant that tonight would be his last night in Gimhae. His last night with his family. Suddenly his family, seemingly forgotten, popped into his mind. They would be gone from his world, and in less than 24 hours he’d be drinking and eating his last meal with his friends. And Soo-jung, the person he loved more than anything was also fading away. If she didn’t completely fade away it would be ages before he saw her again. Ji-won started to get tears in his eyes. The line was quiet again. Ji-won held his breath. As tears streamed down his face he was determined to not let Soo-jung hear him cry. It became too much to hold inside and he let out a sob, but he coughed to disguise it.
“Are you sick?” Soo-jung asked.
“No…..” he tried to buy some time so he could calm his emotion down. He pulled a cigarette from his bag. He figured it being the last night in his home he was willing to accept whatever punishment from his father for smoking in his bedroom. It was worth it to calm himself down so Soo-jung wouldn’t hear him cry.
“Wait a minute,” he said.
He put the phone on the bed and slid his window open. He let out one more muted cry as a cough, lit the cigarette and took a deep inhale. He could feel the emotion ease back into his stomach. He picked up the phone.
“So what’s the plan for tomorrow?” he said calmly.
It might have simply been intuition, or maybe she knew Ji-won’s mind even better than she’d thought, but she knew exactly what was happening on the other side of the phone. She knew Ji-won was crying. She knew he had scrambled for a cigarette in order to calm down, and she knew he was now going to try and be direct and resigned. She also knew that while the plan was to meet at 5 p.m. That Ji-won would want to meet earlier and somehow try to get them to a motel one last time. She didn’t fully understand why until several months later, but at that time, in her heart, she knew she needed to avoid going to the motel at all costs.
“We’ll go to that eel restaurant you like, first. Then we’re going to a soju bar,” she explained.
“You’ve made a plan for your man?”
“What?”
“You’ve worked hard to make a plan for me. For our love.” He was saying this in a half teasing way. But Soo-jung quickly changed the subject asking him some questions about the hospital he was in.
It wasn’t a matter of desiring Ji-won or not. She loved him in a way, but she knew things were changing. Most importantly, he would be gone. She would be living with his memory, and a memory would simply be that. Some stuff inside her brain. A shape to fill a lack. Until he came home more than two years later. But then what? Who would come home? He didn’t know and she certainly didn’t. Could she love the new Ji-won? Maybe. Maybe not.
As they continued the conversation the subject of the next night arose again. Soo-jung could sense Ji-won’s childlike excitement rising. This made her happy, so she began to explain in more detail. Which friends were coming, how she’d consulted each of them in order to make the best plan. By the end of the conversation Ji-won was nearly gasping with excitement. The heightened emotion of leaving, the comfort of being with his friends for his last night, all weaved together by Soo-jung, the love of his life. He almost laughed as tears, different tears, started to well up in his eyes. His voice cracked a little as he told Soo-jung he would try to go to Gupo a couple hours early so they could have some time together alone.
Soo-jung quickly told him her mother was going to start selling fish at her sister’s store again and that she might go help them during the day. Ji-won started to calculate how much money he had. He thought he might even spring for one of the expensive motels near the train station. He might as well, he figured. His money would be worthless in about 36 hours.
His father did not beat him that night. Instead he took Ji-won to a dog soup restaurant, and lectured him about the military and a Korean man’s duty. Ji-won half listened and picked at his soup. He hated eating dog soup. The thought of eating dogs disgusted him, but from time to time his father insisted on him eating it in order to “to increase his man power.” The restaurant was entirely filled with men slurping and talking loudly.
As his father went on to describe the benefits of military service Ji-won’s mind was racing to frame his final 24 hours. He had to somehow get to Gupo before 3 p.m. so he could take Soo-jung directly to a motel. He had to give her a fucking she wouldn’t easily forget. He had to show her something special. He would make her an addict of his love so she would only dream of him at night. Everything needed to be perfect, he thought. He would definitely go to the expensive motel. He would surprise her and take her to the best hotel he could find.
As he lay in bed that night he started to plan each minute. If he could go to Gupo before 3 p.m., he could fuck Soo-jung, meet his friends at 5 p.m., and eat dinner. As he started to drift to sleep, Ji-won realized that if everything went according to plan, that sometime around 10 p.m., between the soju bar and the singing room, there might even be a chance to play Warcraft for an hour or two. One last time. This thought made him a little excited and helped him go to sleep easily.
Ji-won woke up next morning reciting the day’s schedule in his mind, as if he hadn’t slept. He became so focused, he almost forgot he was leaving. When he walked outside his bedroom Ji-won’s father summoned him to the kitchen. He put his hand on Ji-won’s back and led him outside. With a knowing grin he handed Ji-won a cigarette. He explained how important smoking in the military could be. That only a very small minority of soldiers didn’t smoke, and that by smoking Ji-won could curry some favor with his superiors. That it was important to make his superiors comfortable.
Ji-won tried to act like it was the first time anyone had suggested that to him, even though he'd heard such things at least 100 times since he was 16. Ji-won coughed and, in general, acted like smoking was completely new to him. His father enjoyed giving his son some serious advice and even said something to the effect that it was his duty to the family to do well in the military.
Ji-won tried to call Soo-jung several times that morning, but she didn’t answer her phone. He decided he would go directly to Gupo anyway. He remembered Soo-jung saying something about helping her mother at the fish market. He could put his backpack in a locker there and then search for her.
Ji-won was in a daze when he said goodbye to his family. He cried a little, when he hugged his mother, who was sobbing. But his focus was entirely on going to Gupo to see Soo-jung, fucking her, and with a little luck, playing an hour or two of Warcraft that night. Even as his father hugged him much harder than he’d expected it was hard to contemplate whatever emotion the situation may have been creating. Ji-won was trying to remember which fish stall Soo-jung’s Aunt owned. He went directly to the market after putting his bag in a locker. He checked his phone. It was nearly 3 p.m. He quickened his pace. He checked his phone again. Where was Soo-jung? He called her again.
He knew the general area of where the fish stalls were, but there were others strewn about. He combed through the produce section. A man on a moped rammed into his back foot and pushed Ji-won to the side as he sped by. Ji-won’s frustration swelled. He sent Soo-jung a text message. He tried to sound firm, but nice. The last thing he needed was Soo-jung becoming angry at him. He had no time to waste if he was going to get her to a motel.
When he finally found the main fish section Ji-won stopped and smoked a cigarette. His eyes scanned the tops of each stall. There were over 100. He resolved to inspect every one. He looked at his phone. There was a message from Soo-jung telling him she was at home getting ready. That she’d just taken a shower.
Ji-won’s heart sank. Soo-jung’s apartment was far away. Ten minutes even by taxi. If he left now, and Soo-jung was somehow finished getting ready, and they went directly to a motel, it would still be too late. Once they met up with his friends there would be no chance to go to a motel. It was over. There would be no motel with Soo-jung until after basic training.
Ji-won shook his head and looked into the fish market. There was a tank of eels at the stall closest to him. He stared at them for a while, watching them writhe back and forth, barely enough room to even move. Soon his life would be something like that of a captured eel. He’d be sleeping in a room with 50 men side by side. Less than 12 inches separating them from one another. He spat in the tank and quickly walked away.
Ji-won walked directly to Cyber Town. As he walked in some of the kids whispered to each other.
“I heard he had died.”
“He didn’t die. He doesn’t have to go to the military.”
“He’s going tomorrow, I heard.”
“He’s the best player in Busan.”
“He’s the best player in Gupo. Not Busan.”
“Where is `lump lip’ today.”
“Look, he’s sitting down to play.”
Knowing it would be his last time, Ji-won sat down to play Warcraft one more time. But as he sat there, his fingers finding their familiar places, shooting this, killing that, his heart just wasn’t into it. A sense of impending doom circulated through his body. Not only the doom of going to the military. But more importantly an indefinable doom that something in his relationship with Soo-jung was very wrong. He wondered if he’d been deceiving himself, thinking she would wait for him, when in fact she had no plan to do so. As he played the game he tried to retrace her actions. Remember what she had said and done recently. Other than the phone call they’d had the night before, it was hard to remember much of anything.
Soo-jung walked into Cyber Town and put her hands over Ji-won’s eyes. He stopped playing the game and turned around. She was beautiful, he thought. She wore a short plaid skirt, a red sweater with a white collared shirt, and giant hoop earrings. Inside the earrings the word “love” dangled, shimmering in the purple and blue light from the game room. He forgot about the game he’d been playing and they walked outside.
There were several times that night that Ji-won, not entirely meaning to, found himself aimlessly staring at Soo-jung. He felt as if he were already in a cage looking out at her from the inside. He was watching her live her life as it would be when he was gone. She was laughing, talking, pinning her upper lip down with her teeth. He had the overwhelming feeling that all of these things would continue, even though he would be gone. He would dream about Soo-jung, he would stare at pictures of her, he would conjure her image in his most difficult moments, but she wouldn’t be there for him to touch.
At one point the conversation turned to “military couples.” Ji-won’s friends started to tease him that Soo-jung would leave him if he wasn’t careful. Ji-won and Soo-jung avoided each other’s eyes. Ji-won stared at his friends as they teased and pretended to take bets on how long Soo-jung would wait before leaving him. There was no timetable they argued. It could happen immediately. Six months into service, one year, one and a half years, even a few weeks before returning. Soo-jung and Ji-won stared down at the table. Soo-jung stared to cry. No one noticed at first, but soon tears were falling from her face onto the table. Ji-won noticed and grabbed her hand tightly, but this only opened the door for more crying. The table fell silent and one of the other girls quickly handed Soo-jung a package of tissues. Ji-won led Soo-jung outside.
For a while, as they stood under the electric sign advertising the singing room below the bar, they looked like high school kids again. Shy, not used to being around members of the opposite sex, they stood as if they were strangers. But as they stood their eyes occasionally darted to spot the other, and like a clock, they slowly began to edge toward one another.
They both wanted to say everything at once. There was so much to say, yet no way to say it. Soo-jung wanted to tell Ji-won that she couldn’t wait for him, that while she cared about him deeply, she was too young and too naïve to trust her heart and commit to him. That in many ways she was still a little girl. That she had many things to learn in life, things that Ji-won couldn’t teach her from an army base. That the future was unknowable, and while she wanted to offer both he and she hope for the future, it was impossible.
Ji-won wanted to tell her that he was starting to understand that he’d misjudged Soo-jung. That he’d always assumed she couldn’t afford not be with him, and that in doing so he’d sold her short as a person. This, despite the fact that in his heart, he loved her greatly, even though his actions didn’t always show this.
So they just hugged. At first Ji-won scanned the immediate area for a motel, but the idea quickly left his head. The uncertainty of their future had become a reality. The next time he held Soo-jung, if he could hold her again at all, things would different. To expect her to be the same, and for him to find and catch his former self in her was an unrealistic expectation. He was scared, yes, and he didn’t want to go. But that wasn’t his concern anymore. Nothing was his concern anymore, because it was upon him.
As they let go of each other Ji-won offered Soo-jung a cigarette. They smoked, not saying anything. The only sound was the electric sign above them, humming two tones. Bright and dark.
Years later Ji-won would recall the sound of that sign. Like two buzzes, each with its own distinct pitch. Similar, but not matching exactly. On/off. Purple/Pink. Neither dominant, just back and forth, at war, synchronized for a short time and then separate again. Like so many things in life. For Ji-won the electric sign would come to symbolize his memory of him and Soo-jung. The girl he loved deeply, but the girl that time refused to allow him to be with.
Soo-jung would also remember. She remembered the hanging silence. The soft buzz of the sign reminded her a little of the light above the mirror at the Roma motel; where she had sometimes envisioned her future with Ji-won. She would always remember how even though she’d convinced herself that she’d made the right choice; she may have passed on the truest and purest form of love she would ever know.
“We should get my friends and move on to the singing room,” Ji-won finally said. There was a little regret in his voice. Soo-jung didn’t want the moment to end either. She smiled broadly, her upper lip falling across her bottom lip. She nodded her head and they went inside.
A few hours later everyone piled into taxis and went to the train station where Ji-won would catch the 5:10 a.m. train. Soo-jung pulled his bag from the locker and everyone helped Ji-won hoist it onto his back.
At the gate leading to the train his friends huddled around him. They each said goodbye and offered words of encouragement. They gave him dried pumpkin and M&Ms for the train ride.
When it came time for Ji-won to say goodbye to Soo-jung the rest of the group slowly backed away.
Ji-won felt his legs might collapse from under him and he didn’t know what to do or say. Whatever questions had remained in his mind had been answered. He was leaving part of his life behind at the train station. Soo-jung fell into Ji-won’s arms and they hugged for a long time. No one watching, nor Soo-jung or Ji-won, wanted to see them let go of each other.
Just before they did let go Ji-won muttered something into Soo-jung’s ear. She laughed softly and they pulled back their heads and smiled at each other. They slowly backed away, still holding hands, then letting go. They continued to look at one another, walking backwards, not wanting to let the other fall from sight. They each bit their upper lip and tried to hold back the tears that would soon enough overwhelm them. They nodded their heads in a small polite bow, backing away until they could barely see one another; at last turning in their own directions.